Allowing Space for Anger with Self-Compassion
Let’s talk about anger…
…and all of the other feelings we're not "supposed" to have.
Yesterday, I discovered that a client has not been getting reimbursed for their appointments. Their superbill got stuck in the system and rejected, because my 'dead’ name* was connected to it.
My business legal name has been legally changed and affirmed for over a year in all of the systems. Yet somewhere in this third-party process, it came back to haunt me yet again, and this time it was hurting others.
I was pissed.
I felt so much rage. I worked so hard to navigate my name change as a genderqueer small business owner, yet the systems still haven't gotten their shit together. (That's another post for another day)
I was pissed.
As a provider engaging in Liberation work, I often have conversations about the importance of allowing space for the feelings that we're told we're not supposed to have.
Basically, any feelings that are ‘too much’ for someone else's comfort.
People with marginalized identities at the intersections of gender, race, and body (e.g., BIPOC, 2STGNB, disabled, and fat people) are constantly faced with messages about how the world doesn’t value them and why they're not good enough.
(According to the standards of whiteness, paternalism, & capitalism).
So why wouldn't we be angry?
We should be angry. Our anger tells us something on a deeper level. (For more, read audre lorde: The Uses of Anger)
Being human and allowing for anger is a huge part of what allows me to continue doing my work.
Check out my recent contribution for a wellness piece at Huff Post, discussing what therapists do when they're angry, written by Jillian Wilson.
Reflect for a moment:
What is your relationship to anger? How do you use your anger?
Who do you feel safe enough to be angry with? Do you know when you're angry? Do others know when you're angry? (Tip: Even if you don't tell them, people can usually feel it).
How do you define the threshold of reaching anger? How does it feel when you express your anger verbally? What about when you express it physically (i.e., shifting or releasing the energy in your body)?
How did you witness and experience the anger of others growing up? How have others responded to your anger throughout your life? Is your anger seen as an inconvenience for someone to deal with? Is there a consequence of getting angry with how people might perceive you? Does it reinforce any stereotypes based on your identity?
Are you rewarded for suppressing strong feelings (e.g., being 'so easygoing')? What happens when your anger builds up without anywhere to go? Have you acted on your anger in ways that have harmed yourself or others?
How might your body be trying to communicate with you when it's feeling anger? What message has it been trying to get through? Is there some part of you that's not being heard? Or some deeper vulnerable feeling that feels safer in anger (e.g, pain, rejection, grief)?
How has your anger protected you? Helped you to know when something was wrong? Guided you to a place of safety or healing?
Allow space for your anger, through a lens of self-compassion and shame resilience.
Let’s talk about how you might allow space for your anger, through a lens of self-compassion and shame resilience.
A) Notice it with Curiosity
Explore and better understand: What triggers your anger? What does it look and feel like? Where does the actual source of the anger come from?
From my example at the beginning, I shared that the source of my anger had nothing to do with anything I have done wrong. I witness how systemic oppression shows up and impacts me, personally and professionally.
B) Validate your Humanness
Identify and name what it is that you're feeling, whether internally or opening up to someone that deserves your vulnerability.
Regardless of what you're feeling, our experiences can usually be validated, because what we're feeling is real. Someone else in that situation might also have that reaction, which is what makes you human.
Related to my example, I allowed myself to feel anger and frustration, along with all the tension in my body. It is okay for me to be pissed. Plus, I opened up to others who I knew would understand and validate me.
C) Intentionally Preserve the Self!
The incredible audre lorde described self-preservation as an act of resistance.*
I can't emphasize enough how valuable it has been to reframe the ways that I care for myself. I aim to thrive and survive in a world that has tried to suppress, isolate, and eradicate differences.
Intentional self-preservation can present in many forms:
Figure out what you need, desire, or want in a given moment to care for your body, your mind, and your heart.
Seek out something that can nurture and soothe your anger.
Take action to set boundaries or problem solve
Connect in community with others who can hold your anger and make you laugh
Radically accept and embrace what is beyond your control (e.g., within a larger systemic source of oppression)
Sometimes that thing is adaptive (what some might call "healthy" coping).
Sometimes it isn't adaptive, but it's the thing that you need/want/desire at that moment (e.g., disconnecting with a Netflix binge session).
Resources
I'm including book recs below that might be helpful in your own exploration of allowing space for ALL OF YOU.
Highly Recommend:
Sister Outsider by audre lorde is an incredible book of her poems and essays, including The Uses of Anger: Women Responding to Racism
Rest is Resistance by Trisha Hersey
Trauma Stewardship by Laura van Dernoot Lipsky with Connie Burk
The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor
Reclaiming Body Trust by Dana Sturtevant and Hilary Kinavey
Unmasking Autism by Devyn Price
My Grandmother's Hands by Resmaa Menaken
Plus a few I haven't had the chance to dive into yet:
Journal of Radical Permission by adrienne maree brown and Sonya Renee Taylor
Love and Rage by Lama Rod Owens
Care Work by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare. - audre lorde (in A Burst of Light: Essays)
Finally, some footnotes:
‘Dead name’ is often used to represent the name given to a trans or nonbinary person when they are born, the name that they later may change socially and legally for gender-affirmation purposes.
Marginalized communities are those who have often faced discrimination and disempowerment as a result of oppressive systems.
B.I.POC represents Black, Indigenous, and other communities and people of color, who are of the global majority.
2STGNB represents Two-Spirit, trans, and nonbinary gender experiences within gender divergence.
