WHAT’S THE POINT? (holding the hard with self-compassion)

Feb 27

What’s the point of working on something that might always be a struggle, in a world that seems to be more awful by the day?

I imagine most people have heard common clichés about the value of holding the hard and radically accepting things that feel out of our control. When it comes to the actual practice of self-compassion, this can be one of the most challenging struggles that we navigate, because we receive constant shame-related messages of being ‘too much’ or ‘not enough.’ I encourage people to do this work in community whenever possible...so at least we're not alone.

A TRIGGERING EXPERIENCE

I was reflecting last week on a past workplace experience, where a sudden leadership change exploded into a hostile and oppressive work environment and led to an entire staff ‘jumping ship’ within the year. I didn't have the ability to process. I was in an environment where I thought I would spend my career, but suddenly I was spiraling toward burnout, gasping for air, and trauma bonding.

CUE THE SHAME

In the aftermath, it was devastating to realize the ways I hurt those around me through vicarious trauma and grasping for something to hold on to when I felt like I was drowning. I still experience intense shame triggers when I reflect on how those I cared so much about had to pull away from me to protect themselves, and sadness that some relationships never recovered.

THE WORK

My understanding of shame, self-compassion, and the importance of racial, gender, and body liberation has grown exponentially. Even after diving deep into this work over the last 3-5+ years, I am still learning and growing.

I did A LOT of therapy to heal from the impact of that experience. It required being in a workplace that was more supportive, as well as finding community that didn’t question whether I was trans- or neurotypical-enough.

Regardless of the harm I experienced in that situation, it doesn’t negate the impact of the harm I caused, regardless of my intentions or awareness of what was happening. I needed to learn how to hold myself accountable, so that I could do better the next time.

I constantly discover new understandings of my shame and trauma triggers while acknowledging and grieving the ways in which that lack of understanding may have hurt others that I care about.

A WELCOME CHANGE

My shame triggers now are seen as opportunities for reflection, sharing vulnerably with others, and examining the systems of oppression that reinforce those shame messages.

I'm no longer working for an organization can hold me in its grip (whether intentional or not) through capitalism and the features of white supremacy.

But I'm still accountable within those systems for as long as the systems exist and continue to harm.

By practicing self-compassion and shame resilience through a lens of racial, gender, & body liberation, I can hold some hard shit and still make decisions to care for myself, while also being accountable for the ways in which my ancestors, actions, and decisions impact and oppress others.

ITS HARD, BUT DOES IT GET EASIER???

I'm still human, so of course the shame still seeps in and breaks me down at times. It never fully goes away, and I still must grieve and allow myself to imagine, 'what if we lived in a world...?'

But I absolutely don't look back. I would never want to let go of the tenderness I can hold in my heart.

I have more capacity to hold the pain of the world, while also still finding and cherishing those moments of connection, hope, liberation, and love.

INVITING YOU IN

I long to invite others into this world that feels so healing and regenerating, while also not wanting to scare them away by my intense excitement about it.

That is exactly why I have built my entire professional life and business around the practice, teaching, modeling, counseling, coaching, guiding, connecting, and celebrating with others who want to learn to hold really fucking hard things.

We need just a bit more gentleness in a world that teaches us we aren’t enough unless we are perfect, closer to ‘whiteness,’ wealthy, ‘healthy,’ neurotypical, cisgender, ‘straight-sized,’ and as far from ‘queering things up’ as possible.